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| travel and fashion snark, based in Hong Kong |
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Category : Asia
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Exit Stage Left (or Right)
It hasn't quite been 20 years but it's time to bid a tender goodbye and go gently into real life where many exciting new projects await. Thank you readers, thank you linesmen, thank you ball boys, thank you tormented artists masquerading as fashion designers, thank you celebrities and your vapid wanton ways, thank you for a real good time!
After 600-odd posts, it seems that there are no more words left to thump out, especially when confronted with an abomination such as this:
But don't despair it's not entirely over yet.
You can still catch me on Teh Interweb, churning out condensed matter on a daily basis. See you around and stay unfashionably clothed!
Happy Birthday China
May the bricks of your enemies crumble into smithereens before your powerful forces
And may your pandas find the libido to multiply in Malthusian proportions
Good manicurists are hard to find these days
Records broken by Lee Redmond other than world's longest fingernails
World's highest hairline
World's longest time taken to open a can of Coke
World's largest individual consumer of olive oil
World's most prolific eyegouger
World's largest collection of Gandalf hairpieces
World's craziest glint in eyes
World's most inefficient typist
World's most likely to freak someone out on a blind date
World's most washed out photo taken of the world's most sallow human being
The snuggest vinyl pants this side of town
Next update: Monday 2 September
A cook's best friend
Any dog who's even the slightest bit fussy will tell you that dog food, for the most part, tastes atrocious. Artificial flavouring, preservatives, and other mystery chemicals combine to leave an unwanted aftertaste on the tongue.
Increasingly dogs are demanding that their owners learn some rudimentary skills in the kitchen before they even consider stepping inside the home for meals. If you know what's good for you and your pet's jaded palate, you will enrol yourself in a dog food cookery class faster than it takes for Lindsay Lohan to break up with her newest boyfriend. It is all the rage in Seoul where the prevailing sentiment seems to be, "check it out, we cook for dogs now".
Nothing gets the salivary glands more excited than using the finest and freshest ingredients. If only humans found meat hor d'oeuvres to be so intensely mesmerising.
Some pets have a very paws-on approach and like to be closely involved in the preparation stage. However master chefs recommend against this because of the danger of having knives around animals - instead of chopping the vegetables you could end up giving them an unfortunate haircut.
Sitting down to a homecooked meal and engaging in civilised conversation sure beats digging into prepackaged slop while watching tv. This dog says "What an amazing degustation menu that was! A divine melange of flavours and mouth-melting textures that I couldn't rate more highly. My compliments to the sommelier for an excellent choice of wines too."
And if that isn't enough every now and then you can surprise your pet with a triple-decker version of their favourite dish. After subjecting them to your tawdry games of dress-up the least you can do is make them something nice to eat.
Next update: Friday 29 September
Getting a foot in the door
Tips on how to get past first round interviews for extremely competitive jobs
Well if you want to convince your prospective employer that you are capable of superhuman feats of productivity, then you need to start dressing more like a superhero. For example, my real name is Kathy but when I apply for jobs I go by the name Super-Retro-Sexy-Pantihose Girl. I also make sure that my cape is long to create aerodynamic lift but short enough to show off my ass. Make that my superhuman ass.
Recently I applied for a position at a very prestigious airline. I wanted to present the image of the ideal flight attendant so I tied a scarf neatly around my neck, secured my bust and displayed my flesh pockets. I got an offer but didn't end up taking it because I would have been expected to keep my navel covered up at all times during the flight. I don't keep it immaculately groomed for nothing you know!
I'm all about first impressions so I craft my own clothes to wear. I find that if my outfit is really stiff and paperlike then it makes it harder for me to let down my guard and say something uncalled for. The last thing I want to do is freak the interviewer out.
I prefer to do my interviews standing up because cheap vinyl doesn't bend that easily. But I usually end up missing my interview appointments anyway because I tend to underestimate the time needed to put on a pair of boots.
Nowadays you can't just coast by on good looks and strategically placed bits of pink fabric. You have to bring extra skills to the table. Like, in this instance the fortitude and foresight to put giant lovehearts on an otherwise mundane headset.
One very important thing I learnt is never ever dress up like how your boyfriend demands in the bedroom. Unless he is the one interviewing you of course.
Next update: Wednesday 27 September
New to the neighbourhood
How to tell if your neighbours are not from around these parts
They potter about the house swathed in nothing but an auto racing flag
They refuse to attend your welcome barbecue because it is a waste of perfectly good tin foil
Most of their tiling work occurs outside of the bathroom and the kitchen
Taking out the garbage is a highly covert reconnaissance mission
Instead of ringing the doorbell like everyone else, they swoop in through the window when they want to borrow a cup of sugar
They give you a blank look whenever you greet them on the street and mouth some pleasantries about the weather
Next update: Monday 24 September
Hey There Rich Folk: Gold Edition
In these uncertain times, the reassuring allure of gold cannot be denied. Gold is something that all rich people should hoard like acorns just before the wintry season. It's durable, it's intrinsically valuable and it is mindblowingly awesome to have enough gold to construct your own ceiling showing how man was created, then beamed down to earth in a giant golden ray of light. See how you can use gold to make a few cosmetic improvements to your humble abode, thereby making you more likely to invite guests back to your home.
Prior to its makeover, this was a typical cramped studio apartment with little going for it. But after some tasteful gold inlay and fittings, with a smattering of baroque, you will see that we have now created the illusion of enough space for a sit-down dinner party, witty repartee and a quasi-throne in which you can repose and stroke your favourite sculptures.
In the powder room, guests may avail themselves of the lustrous facilities. The solid gold toilet seat must be left down in all instances simply because it is too heavy to be lifted.
After a hard day's work why not kick off your shoes and submerge yourself in the luxury of a gold bathtub. You might want to get the chambermaid to draw the bath beforehand by emptying suitcases of hundred-dollar bills.
And if you have some spare change left over after the renovations, have it beaten and hammered into a breastplate fit for an Amazon queen. Every woman needs a flesh-digging underwire bra in her closet.
Next update: Friday September 22
Try our new skull and crossbones line of skincare
I don't have much time tonight so I shall use it all up to indulge in some scaremongering. Do you know what you are really smearing onto your face everyday? Could your favourite brand of cosmetics be a prettily packaged minefield of banned substances? Could pitera just be a fancy word for asbestos! Save me the shocking lab results, I already know what to expect from overpriced Japanese cosmetics. Unlike these disgruntled customers who found out the hard way that the secret ingredients are kept secret with good reason.
1. Commercial chlorine bleach and possible "smylex" poison
2. Formaldehyde
3. Corrosive acids causing pus-oozing sores
4. Leather polish
5. Clown grease paint
6. Lead, mercury, cadmium and virtually every other toxic metal you can think of
Next update: Wednesday 20 September
OMG she copied me!
What to do when someone else at the pool is wearing the same swimming costume as you
Tilt your head ever so slightly, smile stiffly and stare vacantly in the distance as if nothing untoward has happened
Use every ounce of energy to keep pretenders to your style throne at arms-length and preferably underwater
Flip her over to find out whether she is merely wearing an inferior knockoff and should be mocked accordingly
Point and shout "Hey look over there!" before making a dash for it.
Overreact with fake astonishment and joy, then loudly compliment each other's impeccable style and taste in theatrical tones
Try to make yourself stand out through some high-fashion moves and really "own the look".
Cry out desperately to the heavens above "Oh Lord why have you done this to me? Why hast thou forsaken me? Why?!?!?"
Next update: Monday 18 September
I feel pretty oh so pretty
A lot of men seem to think that they can do most things better than women. They are probably right because most of the time we are suffering from PMS, menstrual cramps, uncontrollable mood swings and random emotions in order to perform simple tasks effectively.
In fact I wouldn't be surprised if men were better at being women than women were themselves. Desperate to prove their superiority in every arena possible, men have been buying into virtual feminisation. Through these services a man can find out how hotter he is than his girlfriend or wife, and perhaps even dump them for himself! Here are some examples of very successful makeovers that drew gasps of amazement.
"Claire" wanted her overall look to be feminised but at the same time she wanted to retain her strong physique and broad shoulders. The result was impressive - with this picture alone she was able to convince a not so well-known actor to leave his pregnant girlfriend and chase a gangly fantasy.
The client in this instance was worried that he would end up looking too girly rather than womanly. Once they removed the Adam's apple and managed to work in the fabulously b*tchy expression the rest was history.
Going through a rough patch with your mother who's being difficult about your inheritance money? Show mum a pic of the daughter she never had and get her all emotionally choked up while you try to get the court to declare her legally incapacitated or incompetent.
This client was very pleased with her softer, fuller features and requested romantic, tousled hair to match. Jada says, "Fantastic! I hope this is what I look like after upping my daily dosage of oestrogen".
Watch as pair of good mates turn into a pair of best girlfriends forever! They share designer gowns, party drugs and fierce attitudes.
Or you can be the only belle of the ball if you so please. See if you can guess which figure above has been subtly tampered with and which is the real woman.
Next update: Friday 15 September
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